I have reached such a low in my life that I don't know where to turn. I pray often for some relief but it feels like God doesn't talk to me anymore. The church is less and less comforting, and I fear going to meetings because I am such a bad person that no one could love me anymore.

I broke down and went for counseling. I poured my heart out to this woman who had sworn and oath that what ever I told her would not leave that building. I told her everything. I told her about George who at one point in our flings had been married. I told her about my feelings about Mr James, and how I allowed him to die, I told her how I sometimes felt I made a mistake keeping my daughter. I told her EVERYTHING.

My sister came home and told me EVERYTHING I had told the counselor. I was so broken. There was no healing me. NOW, to be fair, the counselor was telling a fellow practitioner, all be it a nurse, not a counselor, that she had this girl come in that was totally 'broken' and she didn't know how to help her. She told her fellow, all about the flings with this guy, who she named, because she also knew him, and could not believe that another one had fallen for his stories. She also told her about the big things, and little things this girl had laid at her feet. It doesn't take a sister long to recognize her baby sister's story. That still didn't help me feel safe going back to counseling.

I felt so totally broken that I got on my knees and I prayed more fervently than I had in a very long time. I told God that he had PROMISED me a companion. HE PROMISED I would not be alone. I was trying to be patient, and I know I am not supposed to ask for a sign, but PLEASE GOD, give me something.......

He gave me a dream, he gave me a NAME....I had to find Michael. I was around 23 at the time, but I had a name, I had hope. I felt safe.

I worked a lot of go no where jobs, didn't make a lot of money. I was working at McDonald when Dannielle started school. I asked to go to a day shift so that I would be home in the evening with my child, and was told no.

A few weeks later, I took a large bill at my register and gave it to the assistant manager on duty, who took it to the back. I had done my job, and thought nothing more about it. The next day, I go into work and was told I was suspended from the register for ten days. I had been $50 short in my register. I said no way, told them I had given the AM a $50 bill they needed to figure it out. I went back to work, NOT working a register and did that for about 3 days.

We were really busy on the 4th day, and the manager needed someone on the register that they new was good, fast and friendly. She called me up and told me to get on the register and I said no ma'am. She was really angry but I told her, they believed that I took $50 and I should not be trusted on that register.

That is when she pulled me to the back and let me in on the 'secret'. They were trying to find a reason to fire the AM and this was a trap for him. I told her to take her job and shove it, went to the home office and told him what had happened.

I don't know what happened after that, but I was not going to sit back and allow these people to use me to do their dirty work. I had another job within the week, and it was one that allowed me to be home in the evening with my daughter.

I had been asked to come an be a live in care giver for an Alzheimer patient. Her husband was a fine upstanding member of the church, and she had been the pianist in the church when I was a teen. I adored her, and wanted to be of help, in any way I could.

Dannielle had started kindergarten and we had moved in with this couple. It was an exiting time for Dannielle, she loved animals and we were surrounded with cows, goats, chickens, dogs. Wildlife that would wander up. It was wonderful. I had plenty of places that I could go off and Hide while the Mrs was sleeping, and Dannielle was in school, I just had to be close enough that I was aware when the Mrs. was awake. Life seemed like it was getting back on track.

I don't remember how long we were there exactly. I know that taking care of the Mrs. was so much harder than I thought it would be. I never knew how strong an Alzheimer patient could be.

She didn't recognize anyone, didn't know where she was most of the time, and would take off walking saying she had to go get food for the babies. We were 17 miles from town, and I was alone with her.

After about the third time that this happened, I was beginning to think this was more than I could handle. I told Mr, that he was going to find someone else. I would stick it out as long as I could, but that she was just too strong for me. He made some comments that reflected things he had heard at church, and I packed my bags and left that day. I thought he had wanted me to come and help with his beloved wife, then I found out he wanted me to be her replacement. No way no shape no form, I was outta there, and again I felt like I had failed.

It was around this time that Mom had found out she had a small cancer on her lung and had to have surgery. They removed a cyst that was about the size of a dime, and the Doctor was praised for even having spotted it.

My two oldest sisters were planning for her death, what they would take, how they would do things. And I went off on them. I could not believe they had her dead and buried before she even had surgery. I wonder if they were disappointed when she survived.

I bounced around from job to job, had some lengths of unemployment and finally found myself working for Dairy Queen. I had been promised when I started that I would be trained as an assistant manager, but that didn't happen. I worked for a long while, they kept promising but nothing, so when a manager from another city came in and said they were looking for an assistant, I jumped at the chance.

I was off to Sebring. I took a small efficiency apartment where I stayed in while I worked. I was back in Okeechobee on my days off to spend with Mom and Dannielle. I was doing okay, but I missed being at home. Living alone was not what like I had dreamed.

I was really figgity all the time. Then one day, I realized that when I was all keyed up, I went outside for a breath of air. I walked through the back room where the smokers were gathered. As I stood talking to them, I felt better. I realized that my whole life I had lived with smokers. Now I was not around the smoke, I was having withdrawl. So, I bought a pack of cigarettes to help me get past these fig-gits. I still smoke.

On my 29th Birthday, I did some reflecting and I realized I weighted 250 lbs. I had started smoking. I was alone with no 'prospects' in sight. I was going absolutely no where with my life. I have not even met anyone named Michael and was for sure beginning to think that it really had just been a dream.

I started Drinking, and I drank the whole bottle of whiskey and I wallerd in self pity the entire night. When the sun started coming up over the lake I was reflecting at, I walked back to my little apartment and fell into bed.

A few months later, Dannielle was turning 11. She loved horses. I passed a riding stable every time I went to or from Sebring. One day, I stopped and asked about bringing Dannielle for a day ride. Arrangements were made so on her 11th Birthday I took her to the stable, signed all the papers, paid the bill and left her to have the time of her life. I went back to the apartment to gather up the stuff I wanted to take back home with me. I opened the fridge. There was a beer that a neighbor had left. I thought it would help me relax, and I almost drank it. I thought, 'No I have a long drive, I'll save it for when I come back'.

On the way back to the stable, there is this really weird intersection. It was hard to see around the corner to know when it was safe to pull out. There was a pick up truck in front of me waiting for a clear path. It looked to be like the traffic was clear, so I thought he went. I didn't see the person crossing the road, but he did, and he didn't move. I did move and slammed into the back of his truck. He got out all angry with me, and I told him it was totally my fault. We called the police, exchanged insurance information, and my car was towed to a local body shop.

I don't remember getting a ticket, but I probably did, it didn't matter, I was wrong and I was accepting responsibility. When we went to report the accident to the insurance, I gave them the mans name and I told them it was totally my fault. He did NOTHING wrong, it was all on me. From what my adjuster told me sometime later, he really tried to make it sound really worse than it was, but when he realized I had assumed full responsibility, he accepted what they offered, and let it go.

I had called the stable, told them what happened, and told them than Mom was on her way to pick me up. We would come get Dannielle as soon as we possibly could. We all had a good laugh about the turn out of the day, but Dannielle had been in heaven out on the trails riding the horse.

When I called the body shop to find out the damages on my car, they told me it was totaled. I was now without a car. I sold it to the body shop for what was owed on storage fees, and found a little car that I could make payments on. It would not go over 50 miles an hour and was totally on it's last legs. But it got me to and from work and that was all I needed.

After the accident I had whiplash, I went to a Chiropractor for several months, which helped with the back pain, but not the emotional pain of failure.

I was so depressed. I felt like if maybe I started to lose weight I would feel better, so I devised a diet I thought I could live with. I only ate when I was really hungry, and only enough to satisfy the hunger. I ate what ever I was craving, just in reasonable portions, or just enough to satisfy the craving.

I worked at Dairy Queen and my dinner before usually consisted of a Large sandwich, large fries, super large hot fudge Sunday with triple hot fudge and nuts. After I started my diet, I might grab a piece of burger that had broken, or a hot dog that had been on the warmer too long. No bread, but if I had a craving for the ice cream I might eat a baby cone, or just a few bites of plain ice cream. In just a few months I had started losing weight.

It was still not enough to take away the pain, so one of my neighbors suggested I take a day off and 'hang' with them. I called Mom and told her I was going to stay over, I only had the one day off, and then was on for three, I would be home on the weekend. That was okay by her, and she said to have a good time.

We went to the lake the next day for a picnic and to just hang out. They pulled out a joint and we smoked it and I felt nothing. Later they pulled out some cocaine and we snorted it. I felt nothing. This was really frustrating to these guys, and they were determined to get me high. They broke out the crack. I took a hit, and I felt nothing. So they figured maybe I needed to get drunk first. They bought more beer. We smoke more weed. We did more cocaine, and we smoked more crack. I still felt nothing except the beer.

That night, convinced they were gonna get me high, the set up a huge rock of crack on a pipe and coached me on how to hold it in until I just couldn't hold it anymore. When I finally exhaled, I felt and saw sparks fly off every nerve endings in my body and I swear they were covered in rainbows. I had a rush of excitement like I had never had before. In less than a minute I was falling at what felt like terminal velocity. I crashed so hard that I thought I was breathing my last breaths. My heart was pounding my ears were ringing and I could not breath.

The neighbor helped me back to my apartment and slept in the chair all night, just to make sure I didn't quit breathing.

At some point during the night, I had hocked my sisters VCR to pay for more drugs, and when I realized what I had done, I felt like more of a failure than ever before. I worked long enough to get the VCR back then I tucked tail and ran back to Okeechobee. I had left a job that I thought I wanted, but that was nearly the death of me. I know I could have died that night. I had been given the choice, but, my work was not done. I chose to stay.

They say everyone has a bottom. I was falling fast. I know now, I was only Half way Down