I needed a career. I had tried secretarial the first time around. Had never really made a go at it. I needed something that would benefit me for the future. I though going back to school might be the answer. I had to do something, I was sinking financially, physically, emotionally, and even worse, spiritually.
I checked out a college in Fort Pierce and they suggested Paralegal. Seems they thought I had the right mindset for the law. So I took out some student loans, bought a reliable car to get to and from school, and I started a new adventure.
The course was 18 months, but by taking more classes I could finish in 9. Anxious to get started in a new career I signed up for all I could. I found that I was really liking the idea of working with lawyers... I had a good head for it.
I met some really friendly people that I was able to spend some time with. One of the girls had a son that was close to Dannielles age, so we got together and went to the beach and started hanging out. I went kinda wild, and when Dannielle was not with me, I stayed pretty close to these new friends.
I took a job working at a gas station close to the school so that I could go to school during the day, work in the evening and get home soon enough to get some sleep and start it all over the next day.
My friends started talking me into staying over more and more often. It was a good plan, better than driving all the way home every night. With this staying over, came the drug use again. Still could not get high off of cocaine. Pot was okay, but not the high I was chasing. Whiskey was still my drug of choice.
I got through school with a 3.8 grade point average, which to me was an abject failure. I should have had a 4.0 average. I had a professor that I let beat me and it cost me .20 grade points.
This is a story truly worth telling. It adds to my stong will and belief in my ability to be strong. This Professor had given an assignment to demonstrate out ability to do research. We could choose any subject. I chose a question that affected me personally.
If I were to get married, would I be required by law to get permission from my child's natural father,whose name was NOT on the Birth Certificate, for my husband to legally adopt my child'? I did the research, made sure all the legal references were documented, and included any precedents. He gave me an A on the paper.
With about 4 weeks left of classes, the class was discussing any legal questions we had. One of the other students asked that very same question. The professor told her that she was absolutely required to get his permission, it didn't matter that his name was not on the birth certificate. I raised my hand, told him that while she might be morally obligated, she was not legally obligated to do so. His face turned bright red. He told me I was a student and that I did not have the right to practice law. I told him, I was simply refering to the research that I had done. The paper for which he had given me an A, and I was not practicing law, simply offering an opinion on another students question. Also that Morale obligation is not considered in a court of law.
The next week we had a test that was mostly essay questions. When he handed them back he had given me a C. I got with another student who was a friend, compared her answers to mine, and found that although the thoughts were worded different, they both said the same thing. She had gotten an A
She agreed with me, that this was just vengence. She had seen how red his face got when I had 'challenged' his opinion in class. We took our tests to the Dean who also agreed they appeared to be the same. He said he would speak with the professor.
The grade was corrected, he did not apologize, and sent me to sit in the back of the class. I was not allowed to participate in any conversations or ask any questions. We took our final exam, for which I received an A. There was still 2 weeks of classes left, and I could not bring myself to go back to that classroom. I did not realize that those two weeks out of his class would affect my grade.
I had graduated, I felt confident, and thought for sure this was the end all to my troubles. Then the other shoe dropped.
Mom wasn't feeling well. She went to the doctor then, into the hospital to have every test you could imagine. They didn't find anything to cause concern. Still she didn't feel right. That was in March.
Debbie had talked to our Brother and she told him that if he wanted to see Mother again he needed to come that summer, that she didn't believe Mom would be with us by Christmas. Uur Brother came that summer and we had a huge family reunion and everyone enjoyed the time together.
Mother was so excited that Sonnie was coming for a visit. It didn't matter how bad she may have felt, she had to plan everything for their visit. This is where I recall that cook out, when I was going with the church to New York.
Thankfully Sonnie and his family stayed with Debbie. Everyday we got together at Mom's house to visit, eat, play music and such. Mom always agreed paper plates, plastic cups, and flatware was best. I only made one demand. The disposable dishes would be disposed. I refused to wash any of that plastic stuff, and I refused to be the only one doing the clean up.
After dinner, everyone would go outside to the picnic table and talk and have fun, while I was stuck with the clean up. I refused. I told them so. I was tired of being pushover. I got help.
September, Mom was back in the hospital having a tumor removed from her belly that, the Doctor said, was the size of a basketball, and it wasn't even half the tumor. They said she had 4 different types of cancer of the female organs, and the prognosis was not good.
Our Brother went home, My oldest sister lived in Fort Pierce and just could not sit an watch her mamma die, the second oldest sister(the nurse) would have to charge us $250 a day to come home and take care of her, and Debbie was a Police officer in Belle Glade. Debbie came everyday when she got off work, even when she worked a midnight shift, so she could sit with Mom while I got some rest.
Mother never seemed to sleep. She was incontinent and had to be cleaned up constantly. She could barely walk. She needed help to the bathroom, to shower, sometimes even to eat. I just got so tired I didn't know if I was coming or going.
Dannielle was going to school, but there were days when I forgot to get up to get her to shcool, sometimes she just didn't go.
Mom Passed on December 22, 1988 and my life as I had known it was over. I didn't know how to go on. I lost my companion, my best friend, my mother and the best part of my life. I totally melted down.
From 1988 to 1994 I was totally lost. Nothing was right, my life was a blur, I didn't care if I lived or died. I did everything I could to die. It just would not happen. I never tried to commit suicide, I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I kept waking up.
This is where the story get's really hard to tell, but if you have read this far, I beg you to continue. I am writing this, not for myself, I have these thoughts in my head everyday, but if ONE PERSON reads this and gains even an ounce of spiritual HOPE, then GOD has finally fulfilled his purpose for me. He was NEVER NOT THERE for me, even in my darkest moments, he was holding me up, and moving me toward something. Those invisible people were always holding me, caring for me, and watching over Dannielle and me, keeping us safe and protected.
I had been delivering pizza for a while, since before I went to school, It was a decent Job, I worked a lot and made a decent paycheck with tips. I was not going to get rich from it, but it kept me going.
Frank had gone to State College after graduation, then joined the Navy to finish his education. He got married and had a daughter and I caught up with him when he was home for his Fathers funeral.
That was a hard thing to take. It struck me that now Dannielle would never know either of her Grandfathers. I was sad by that, since I had loved my step-grandpa so much.
There was a guy that I worked with that became kind of important in my story. He was married, but it was never really a love relationship. I liked his wife as a person, we had a lot of laughs and she told me about her life growing up, why she married Chuck and he adored their daughter, so she stayed. His mother never approved of her, and it made things even worse. Chuck was really all about doing what his mother wanted, but when it came to his daughter, that was the key. If she didn't get to see her because she had done something against his wife, then things got better for a while.
They would come to the house and play cards with me and Mom, and while Mom didn't think it was right, since I knew Chuck from work, and she knew we were close. She enjoyed the company, she liked his wife and Dannielle didn't mind having the little girl around. It was a good time for Mom. I was glad Chuck was around when Frank got out of the Navy. He needed a temp job, we needed help at the pizza place, so he came to deliver pizzas.
I went to pickup my paycheck, I didn't know he was there, and when I walked in with Dannielle it totally hung him up. The manager had to tell him three times to answer the phone. He finally snapped out of it and said he sorry, he was a little distracted. Yeah, he just saw his mother at age 12. He decided that Dannielle had to be his.
We had some conversations about the fact that my Mom was sick and wasn't going to be around long. He started working at the power plant making really good money as a nuclear chemist. I approached him about helping Dannielle financially. I hit him where it hurt him most. I told him he could either start paying child support, or I could take him to court and sue for 13 years of back support. He decided that $200 a month to support his child was a small price to pay. He eventually opened a credit union account for her, and paid her directly. (AT MY REQUEST) that was her money, not mine.
Chuck was a big support to me during that time. Frank didn't work at the pizza place for long, but it made it easier to deal with the short time he was there that I appeared to have friends and a life.
Dannielle was happier getting some of the things that she needed for school, and some clothes and shoes she had always wanted. At 12 she was really responsible with what little money she was given. I had always been honest with her about her father. When she had asked I told her he had not been ready to be a Dad when she was born. I didn't speak bad of him around her. I told her that it was her choice if she wanted to spend time with him, get to know him. She had to form her own opinion of him. For a while she kinda liked having a Dad.
When Mom got really sick, I had to quit my job to take care of her. I did all the responsible things, like calling about her life insurance policy. Checked over all her health insurance papers, found some extra cash I wasn't aware of by comparing her health policies. We got some refunds from the hospital that really helped with the bills.
After I graduated from paralegal school I did a two week temp job for an attorney in Port St. Lucie and was able to get a form for a will. I sat down with mom, and we filled it out, it was really standard. She wanted to leave the house to me and Dannielle, but I didn't think that was fair, so I put in a clause that IF I lived in the house until it was paid for, it was mine. IF I could not make the payments or pay the taxes, or IF I chose to leave the house, the house would be sold and profit split 5 ways.
There was a clause at the very beginning that said something about a proper marker, that was not something we had discussed, but I had ideas about what I would like to see. Everything in the house was to be distributed according to who had given her what, if they wanted it, or else it all went to me and Dannielle.
I tried to be prepared for the end, but that just wasn't possible. Debbie was there everyday, but I felt like all the pressure to take care of her was on me. Our niece came to stay to help out for a while, and she went through my drawers while I was gone one day. She found a small amount of pot in my drawer and immediately called her mother the NURSE and told her I was spending all of grandmas money on drugs. Fact is that one of my friends had given me the pot to help me stay calm. I was a wreck most of the time.
I knew Mom was not doing well. Everyone had come on Thursday. She was really uncomfortable in her chair, so we asked her if she wanted to go lay in her bed, She said No, she wanted to lay on the couch so she could be out there with everyone. We helped her to the couch.
That night when Debbie got off at midnight she came and sat with us. We were talking, Mom had not talked all day. Mom got this really angry look on her face.
Shortly after Dad had passed she told me she had a dream that Dad was going off with a younger woman, and she always felt angry. When she got that same look on her face, I asked her if Daddy was here, she nodded yes. I asked if he was with that 'younger woman' and she frowned deeper and nodded yes. It dawned on me right then, and I said 'Mom, meet your Daughter, That's Linda!' Her face calmed, she looked peaceful and you could just feel the love in the room. I could feel the hug they shared. It was a beautiful moment, and a memory I will always cherish. I felt honoured to be apart of that reunion. Debbie felt it too, and we talked about it often when we reflected on that night.
It was three days before Christmas. I had been a sleep for a few hours, and when I woke up I found Mom breathing really heavy and she sounded congested. I called the nursing service. They came over and listened to her lungs and said she was 'fine'. I new they were lying, but I needed a break so Chuck and his wife came and took me to lunch. I had gotten a beeper (no cell phones then,) and told my niece if there was any problems to send me a 911 code to the beeper, and I would get there as soon as possible.
We had just sat down to eat when the beeper went off. My niece was freaking out because the rattle in grandmas chest got louder, she didn't know what to do, We hurried back to the house.
It was Janie's birthday and Vicki was arriving from Texas that night, so we had all agreed everyone would be at our house. It was a Friday night, so all the kids were going to go skating with Dannielle and Shannon. We didn't live in a big house, but when everyone got there it was a lot smaller. Sonnie was not going to make it until the next day but he was trying his best to get there. That has always made me think of the Everly Brothers song, 'The Lightening Express'.
Vicki arrived from Texas. She was really upset that Mom was on the couch. She immediately started barking orders about getting her bed set up and getting her moved in there. She didn't listen to me or anyone else that told her that is not where she wanted to be, but she didn't care.
Janie and Skip were on their way, but running a little late. Debbie was at work so I was the only other sibling there to deal with it all.
Chuck and his wife had stayed, knowing that I was dreading the arrival of Vicki. She had always bullied me, and got her way. Chuck was a volunteer fireman, and he had called the emts, to see if they could at least come suction Moms lungs so she could breath better. I knew it my heart it was a death rattle. I had never actually heard it myself, but I had read enough to know what it was. I was out side on the drive when the emts arrived, and I heard my niece scream. I ran into the house to find her holding Mom's hand and just crying. Mom was gone.
The emt's came in and pretty much handled calling the police, and the coroner. I ran out to Chuck and his wife, we shared a hug, I cried and then snapped into the responsible role and went in to deal with the paper work. I was as prepared as I could be. I had all the information they needed gathered into a box.
Dannielle and the other kids all left to go skating and I couldn't believe Dannielle was still going skating, and she told me, she just needed to be with her friends. That I could understand so we hugged and I let her go. I was sure she didn't have a lot of fun that night, but she was with people she could share with and could relate her feelings.
The next few days were a blur. The funeral was planned. Debbie and Skip handled the arrangements. There was not a lot of insurance money so there was some financial decisions to be made. I had met with the funeral director about a week before, and he told me he knew how this was going to go, but to stay strong. He handed me $100 and told me not to let them run me down. I don't think he was happy that I didn't have much say in what was being planned.
Sonnie arrived and spent all his time with Debbie's family. Vicki was staying at the house with me, and barking orders at everyone. All I could do was try to keep my head straight but I didn't know what to do. Christmas was not going to be joyful. We had all exchanged names to buy gifts for under the tree. We gathered for dinner and gifts exchange and when everyone had opened their gifts, there was one tiny package under the tree. It didn't have a name on it. Dannielle had bought it for Grandma. Everyone cried.
These were the Darkest of Times
My Story of Suzzanne Cook Carlson © 1958-2024 All rights reserved.
Hosted by: The Web Styles